Saturday, January 5, 2013

Thinking again . . . now what?

Missing that husband of mine  . . . it's been two and half years since he passed but it feels just like yesterday. The pic above was taken 33 years ago. We were about to get married that Summer. So many things have changed in my life.  Some good things have happened too.  It hasn't all been that bad.  Grief is funny it comes in waves and then it leaves for a while.  I love this song by Bonnie Rait called "You".  Music to me is so comforting and literally healing. I was so glad to have what I had with my husband Dave, he was a wonderful person with an amazing personality.  Very positive all the time  . . even with all the challenges he faced daily with his failing health, yet he always looked so grumpy, probably because he did not feel well.   Miss you much Mr. Grumpy.  I'll love you forever.

ok, enough of this whining . . . its getting so old now.

Well some good news.  I can finally fit back into a size 9, haven't see that size since the kids were little.  I'm working only temporary now, not every day, but still liking it.  Since moving, I've been attending a new church called "Eastside Church" in Orange County.  The pastor's name is Gene Appel.  He is absolutely amazing.  Something different and new every month.  Not a traditional kind of service, but definitely holds your attention.  There is a missionary trip being planned by Eastside Church to Kenya leaving on my birthday in July 2013.  I've been praying to God about this adventure, I would really like to go.  I have never done anything like this in my life . . sort of scary but exciting too.

 The old church was very painful to attend, I would often find myself drifting away from the sermon and would be thinking about Dave and everything there reminded me of him.  Dave served as the congregational president and was very much involved.  All the time I was married to Dave, we were always involved in some way with the church.  I'm so grateful for that.  There is so many blessings when you are involved in serving on others.  When I moved I really didn't say much to my church family, I sort of stayed to myself for awhile.  I really did not plan to move such a distant away, everything just sort of happened, probably meant to be and this is where I landed.  I needed a fresh start.  A new beginning.  Discovering who I was again.

As time passes, I notice alot of things that are different now, the kids are getting older and moving on with their own lives. Things that I so took for granted, because Dave was there.  My car broke down on the way to a funeral in Venice, California a couple of months ago.  My car literally rolled to a stop in a parking spot of all places, all Gods grace of course. I had no idea how I was going to have my car towed back to Orange County without paying an arm and leg for it.  The minute my car rolled to a stop, I bowed my head in prayer and said, "God you are going to have to help me with this one" . . . and grace followed.  Thank you Jesus :O)

 I keep thinking something absolutely wonderful is going to happen to me and everything will be right again, unfortunately that is not going to happen and life continues to move forward at a slow pace.  Sometimes I wish it would hurry up and be done, but that would be unfair to my kids and I know there is so much more to experience with them in their lives.  I'm on the other side now and looking back, but I know God can create a whole new beginning whenever he chooses to whether you desire it or not.   For now, I'm waiting in anticipation.  


  1. Sandy,
    This was so good for me to read. Hard, and yet good. This year has indeed been more difficult than last. I am digging deep to find me. It has been so many years. You are a year ahead of me, and give me courage.

  2. Sandy, Beautiful. I agree with Cheyrl. It's so true to life. We all have these moments. While reading I thought to myself, yes oh yes so blessed yet so dependant on God for care and peace. You inspire me. I will post! Have a wonderful New Year. XO, Sharon

  3. Sandy, Thinking of you sweetie and sending you hugs. xoxo

  4. Hang in there Sandy. I think a fresh new start is good. You will have so much more to look forward to! It's comforting that God protects when you need help.


  5. I agree with you. Grief comes in waves and hits you sometimes like a punch in the stomach. Little things, a fragrance, a sound, a touch. I lost my Grandma in December of '06. She was so precious to me. We were so close. Recently, I had a massage and the woman's hands felt like Grandma's! I had forgotten what they felt like. I sobbed, but it was a wonderful experience. I still feel her love. He is there, still, Sandy. xo, Cheryl